Being Miss Georgia While Going Through Recovery (my full story)

*To preface this post- this is a very personal struggle I have decided to open up about. I ask with all due respect that it not be turned and twisted into anything unconstructive. This message is intended to help others who might need it. Media interviews started this week, so I wanted to make sure I got an outline of my experiences out there so people will have the full truth from me before they hear it anywhere else. (I received approval from the Miss America offices and Miss Georgia offices to speak about my story)

“Well, everybody's got a story to tell/ And everybody's got a wound to be healed/ I want to believe there's beauty here/ 'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on/ I can't let go, I can't move on/ I want to believe there's meaning here”

Wow, have I found the beauty and the meaning while standing in the middle of a path I didn’t plan. I wondered for so long how I got to where I was, and I kept trying to hear His still, small voice. I asked Him over and over to please take this burden away from me, I asked Him to free me of this battle. It has been a battle that most did not have a clue existed, and a battle I sincerely planned on keeping quiet. It has been a battle I have fought every second of every day; a battle I wish on no one; a battle that makes me stand much stronger now than I did before.  I am a fighter for my life, for my health, for my wellbeing, and for His truth in me.

I write this blog post to inform you of something I feel is important to share. I open up only with hopes that my story will inspire someone else or save their life… even if it is just one person. If you followed my journey to the Miss America stage, you might already know I suffered and recovered from an eating disorder (anorexia) when I was much younger. That is a struggle and victory about which I have spoken openly.

What you don’t know, however, is that I only experienced freedom for a very short amount of time. I have secretly struggled with an eating disorder for many years now. When I won Miss Georgia in June, I sincerely wanted to enjoy every single aspect of this journey, but I knew that would not be possible if I did not seek professional help. I accepted that it would not just stop all on its own. I stopped living in denial and entered myself into treatment for bulimia at the Atlanta Center for Eating Disorders (ACE): http://www.eatingdisorders.cc/index.html. 

Going through recovery while being Miss Georgia and preparing for Miss America at the same time proved to be the most difficult time of my life. Many of you watched me prepare for Miss America and make appearances across the state with a smile on my face.  Yet you didn’t see the battle I constantly fought in my head; the hours I spent in treatment between traveling; the tears, frustration, and confusion that filled my nights. It was easily the most exciting, yet the darkest time of my life.

After competing in Miss America, my freer schedule allowed me to significantly increase the hours I went to ACE. Between the countless number of hours I spent in treatment, and the hard work, persistence, and resilience I put into recovery, I am confidently able to say I am entering into the tail end of my recovery. It hasn’t been easy and it hasn’t been glamorous, but it has been so completely worth it. For the first time since I was 12 years old, I am beginning to feel free -- completely and totally free.

After taking a good look at myself and really trying to understand the magnitude of His ultimate sacrifice in giving His one and only son to forgive our brokenness, I began to understand and accept that I still needed to release some important things to Him. While I have given Him much of my life, I still held onto my body image and it wreaked havoc on me. But now, I can fully accept that I am indeed “fearfully and wonderfully made.” That I am “beautiful (PS 45:11), important (1 Peter 2:9), forgiven (PS 103:12), unique (PS 139:13), empowered (Phil 4:13), protected (PS 121:3), strong (PS 68:35), and lovely (DAN 12:3).”

I feel it is also important to recognize this eating disorder did not start because of my involvement in the Miss America Organization. Did competing in pageants help my recovery? I would say no, but it certainly was not the start of this. Eating disorders often begin when a deeper need isn’t being met: mine was the strive for an unrealistic sense of perfection beginning at 12-years old, among other things.

I write this to also encourage young girls and boys, and everyone for that matter, to be okay with who you are and where you are in your life while trying to better yourself. We often only focus on how we can be better without appreciating who we are in the present moment. I cannot begin to count the number of times people say, “You look like you have the perfect life,” or “You are perfect.” The truth is no one is perfect, and almost everyone is going through something; whether it is seen by the naked eye or not. Because I have fought an eating disorder, I indisputably know what it feels like to really hurt. To wake up every single day and work for something, yet feel like you’ve accomplished nothing. I know what it feels like to feel helpless and hopeless; to feel alone; to actually just not feel at all. Most importantly, I also know what it feels like to be lifted up after barely hanging on for so long. Glorious! Am I fully recovered? Not yet. I still go to treatment; I still battle this disorder on a daily basis, but I still hang on. I know relapse is a common part of recovery, but I promised myself months ago I would never give up, and I won’t.

To those of you currently fighting for something, those who are hurting and feel like giving up, those who are angry at themselves, God, and/or others, those who want the battle to be gone, and those who are crying out for help, you are not alone. Keep hanging on, keep fighting, and keep searching for the silver lining (even if you have to look through clouds of thick black dust). Your time of deliverance is coming. Mine took years, but wow, it was worth it. It was worth the many tears, confusing depression, and constant frustration.

To those who have an eating disorder or think you might have one -- reach out for support and seek professional help. It is not something for which you should feel shame. I waited too many years before entering treatment because I thought it meant I was weak. I felt ashamed and guilty. I am here to tell you, it is okay. We all have needs. We all struggle. Eating disorders are deadly, and they are not something you can recover from on your own. If you think you might be struggling, take this free assessment from the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) website. http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/online-eating-disorder-screening

-Love in Christ,

Leighton

“‘Cause I am found, I am Yours/ I am loved, I'm made pure/ I have life, I can breathe/ I am healed, I am free./// ‘Cause You are strong, You are sure/ You are life, You endure/ You are good, always true/ You are light breaking through”

Additional Resources:

-Eating Disorders Information Network (EDIN): http://myedin.org

-Page Love, MS, RD, LD, CSSD, President of Nutrifit Sport Therapy Inc.: http://www.nutrifitga.com