*To preface this post-
this is a very personal struggle I have decided to open up about. I ask with
all due respect that it not be turned and twisted into anything unconstructive.
This message is intended to help others who might need it. Media interviews
started this week, so I wanted to make sure I got an outline of my experiences
out there so people will have the full truth from me before they hear it
anywhere else. (I received approval from the Miss America offices and Miss
Georgia offices to speak about my story)
“Well, everybody's got a story to tell/ And everybody's
got a wound to be healed/ I want to believe there's beauty here/ 'Cause oh, I
get so tired of holding on/ I can't let go, I can't move on/ I want to believe
there's meaning here”
Wow, have I found the beauty and the meaning while standing
in the middle of a path I didn’t plan. I wondered for so long how I got to
where I was, and I kept trying to hear His still, small voice. I asked Him over
and over to please take this burden away from me, I asked Him to free me of
this battle. It has been a battle that most did not have a clue existed, and a
battle I sincerely planned on keeping quiet. It has been a battle I have fought
every second of every day; a battle I wish on no one; a battle that makes me
stand much stronger now than I did before.
I am a fighter for my life, for my health, for my wellbeing, and for His
truth in me.
I write this blog post to inform you of something I feel is
important to share. I open up only with hopes that my story will inspire
someone else or save their life… even if it is just one person. If you followed
my journey to the Miss America stage, you might already know I suffered and
recovered from an eating disorder (anorexia) when I was much younger. That is a
struggle and victory about which I have spoken openly.
What you don’t know, however, is that I only experienced
freedom for a very short amount of time. I have secretly struggled with an
eating disorder for many years now. When I won Miss Georgia in June, I
sincerely wanted to enjoy every single aspect of this journey, but I knew that
would not be possible if I did not seek professional help. I accepted that it
would not just stop all on its own. I stopped living in denial and entered
myself into treatment for bulimia at the Atlanta Center for Eating Disorders
(ACE): http://www.eatingdisorders.cc/index.html.
Going through recovery while being Miss Georgia and
preparing for Miss America at the same time proved to be the most difficult
time of my life. Many of you watched me prepare for Miss America and make
appearances across the state with a smile on my face. Yet you didn’t see the battle I constantly
fought in my head; the hours I spent in treatment between traveling; the tears,
frustration, and confusion that filled my nights. It was easily the most
exciting, yet the darkest time of my life.
After competing in Miss America, my freer schedule allowed
me to significantly increase the hours I went to ACE. Between the countless number
of hours I spent in treatment, and the hard work, persistence, and resilience I
put into recovery, I am confidently able to say I am entering into the tail end
of my recovery. It hasn’t been easy and it hasn’t been glamorous, but it has
been so completely worth it. For the first time since I was 12 years old, I am
beginning to feel free -- completely and totally free.
After taking a good look at myself and really trying to
understand the magnitude of His ultimate sacrifice in giving His one and only
son to forgive our brokenness, I began to understand and accept that I still
needed to release some important things to Him. While I have given Him much of
my life, I still held onto my body image and it wreaked havoc on me. But now, I
can fully accept that I am indeed “fearfully and wonderfully made.” That I am
“beautiful (PS 45:11), important (1 Peter 2:9), forgiven (PS 103:12), unique
(PS 139:13), empowered (Phil 4:13), protected (PS 121:3), strong (PS 68:35),
and lovely (DAN 12:3).”
I feel it is also important to recognize this eating
disorder did not start because of my involvement in the Miss America
Organization. Did competing in pageants help my recovery? I would say no, but
it certainly was not the start of this. Eating disorders often begin when a
deeper need isn’t being met: mine was the strive for an unrealistic sense of perfection
beginning at 12-years old, among other things.
I write this to also encourage young girls and boys, and
everyone for that matter, to be okay with who you are and where you are in your
life while trying to better yourself. We often only focus on how we can be
better without appreciating who we are in the present moment. I cannot begin to
count the number of times people say, “You look like you have the perfect
life,” or “You are perfect.” The truth is no one is perfect, and almost
everyone is going through something; whether it is seen by the naked eye or
not. Because I have fought an eating disorder, I indisputably know what it
feels like to really hurt. To wake up every single day and work for something,
yet feel like you’ve accomplished nothing. I know what it feels like to feel
helpless and hopeless; to feel alone; to actually just not feel at all. Most
importantly, I also know what it feels like to be lifted up after barely
hanging on for so long. Glorious! Am I fully recovered? Not yet. I still go to
treatment; I still battle this disorder on a daily basis, but I still hang on. I
know relapse is a common part of recovery, but I promised myself months ago I
would never give up, and I won’t.
To those of you currently fighting for something, those who
are hurting and feel like giving up, those who are angry at themselves, God,
and/or others, those who want the battle to be gone, and those who are crying
out for help, you are not alone. Keep hanging on, keep fighting, and keep
searching for the silver lining (even if you have to look through clouds of
thick black dust). Your time of deliverance is coming. Mine took years, but
wow, it was worth it. It was worth the many tears, confusing depression, and
constant frustration.
To those who have an eating disorder or think you might have
one -- reach out for support and seek professional help. It is not something
for which you should feel shame. I waited too many years before entering
treatment because I thought it meant I was weak. I felt ashamed and guilty. I
am here to tell you, it is okay. We all have needs. We all struggle. Eating
disorders are deadly, and they are not something you can recover from on your
own. If you think you might be struggling, take this free assessment from the
National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) website. http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/online-eating-disorder-screening
-Love in Christ,
Leighton
“‘Cause I am found, I am Yours/ I am loved, I'm made pure/ I have
life, I can breathe/ I am healed, I am free./// ‘Cause You are strong, You are
sure/ You are life, You endure/ You are good, always true/ You are light breaking
through”
Additional
Resources:
-Eating Disorders Information Network (EDIN): http://myedin.org
-Page Love, MS, RD, LD, CSSD, President of Nutrifit Sport Therapy Inc.: http://www.nutrifitga.com
